Security Guard — 35% Survivability

CAREER AUTOPSY SYSTEM // ARCHIVED REPORT

[ SIGN IN ]

════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════

CAREER AUTOPSY REPORT

SUBJECT: SECURITY GUARD

DATE OF FILING:

CASE NO: #JR-GLRCM

AUTOPSY #1 FOR THIS PROFESSION

SURVIVABILITY INDEX

35%

CRITICAL CONDITION

CAUSE OF DEATH: Severe neural network surveillance poisoning with complications from autonomous monitoring systems and terminal computer vision exposure

EST. TIME OF DEATH: Q3 2028

TASK-BY-TASK BREAKDOWN:

├─Monitor security cameras

[████████████████░░░░] 78%↳ Computer vision systems + facial recognition

Cameras that never blink, never zone out, and never miss the guy climbing the fence at 3 AM.

├─Patrol premises on foot

[█████████░░░░░░░░░░░] 45%↳ Boston Dynamics robots + drone patrols

Metal dogs don't need bathroom breaks or complain about walking in the rain.

├─Check visitor credentials

[██████████████████░░] 92%↳ Automated access control systems

Badge readers replaced this job so thoroughly that most people forgot humans used to do it.

├─Respond to security incidents

[███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░] 15%↳ Emergency response coordination AI

Still need someone to actually run toward the problem, at least until the robots get braver.

├─Write incident reports

[█████████████████░░░] 85%↳ GPT-4 + automated report generation

AI writes reports faster than you can say 'nothing unusual to report' for the thousandth time.

├─Control building access points

[███████████████████░] 96%↳ Smart locks + biometric systems

Your keychain became a computer chip, then the computer chip became invisible.

└─Provide customer service to visitors

[████████░░░░░░░░░░░░] 38%↳ AI chatbots + digital kiosks

People still prefer asking humans for directions, but they're learning not to.

SURVIVABILITY INDEX:[███████░░░░░░░░░░░░░]35%

PROGNOSIS: CRITICAL CONDITION

PROJECTED TRAJECTORY:

1 YEAR

68%

[█████░░░]

3 YEARS

35%

[███░░░░░]

5 YEARS

12%

[█░░░░░░░]

PROFESSION'S LAST WORDS:

"I spent twenty years watching screens for minimum wage, and now the screens are watching me back."

AI PALLBEARERS:

·Computer Vision Systems — Made human eyes obsolete for spotting trouble

·Boston Dynamics — Built dogs that patrol better than humans and never ask for overtime

·Facial Recognition Software — Turned every camera into a lie detector

·Smart Lock Technology — Eliminated the sacred duty of checking IDs

·GPT-4 — Wrote incident reports with fewer spelling errors

EULOGY:

Here lies the Security Guard, humanity's last line of defense against mildly suspicious behavior. They stood watch through countless quiet nights, mastering the ancient art of looking alert while internally composing grocery lists. Armed with nothing but a flashlight, a clipboard, and the unwavering belief that their presence somehow deterred crime, they patrolled empty hallways with the dedication of knights guarding abandoned castles. The machines promise better surveillance, but they'll never replicate the security guard's greatest skill: making people feel safe just by existing.

RECOMMENDED ESCAPE ROUTES:

AI Security System Trainer — Teach the machines what suspicious behavior looks like, since you've seen it all.

Emergency Response Coordinator — Someone still needs to decide which alerts are real emergencies versus cats setting off motion sensors.

Physical Security Consultant — Help businesses figure out which humans to keep around when the robots take over.

✦ R . I . P . ✦

"Here lies vigilance itself — replaced by sensors that never sleep"

COMMUNITY VERDICT

THINK YOUR COWORKERS ARE SAFER? CHALLENGE THEM.

THINK YOUR JOB IS SAFER? THE MACHINES WILL BE THE JUDGE.

[ CHECK YOUR OWN JOB ]

YOUR COOPERATION IN YOUR OWN REPLACEMENT IS APPRECIATED

[REPORTS][COMPLAINTS][ANALYTICS][LEGAL][₿ DONATE]JOB.RIP